An Attempt at Structure - Listen 

There has been countless thought pieces and research polls trying to work out why so many people feel overwhelmed and exhausted day in and out, most of the blame can be put on social media, which is a given at this point. You have immediate access to information and opinion, you can hear any voice at any time in any context and as a result what you see as you scroll builds in an image, that current image is one of anger and a breaking point. This week saw the haunting news story of Sarah Everard's murder, a news story which brought up an important and challenging debate about the safety of women. I've not wanted to really comment on the issue for a while because it doesn't feel like my place to comment, for all intents and purposes I am a man and I am to some extent responsible for being a part, whether it be consciously or not, of a culture that puts women in danger. Right now, the focus should be on women's voices, a shocking statistic came out that 97 per cent of women have been sexually assaulted and it should be their stories that are the focus. I've felt overwhelmed and incredibly sad seeing these stories come out in the last few days, as someone who considers himself a feminist and has witnessed this behaviour countless times in person, it is extremely sad how universal the experiences are. The one thing I'm trying to do is listen, to dismiss women's stories right now is so irresponsible and frankly disgusting, I think it is extremely worrying and overwhelming to hear how universal these experiences are, but that doesn't invalidate a single one of them. 

There has been a slur of comments of men refusing to believe, refusing to acknowledge their own behaviour and refusing to condemn those who have committed these acts. The rise of 'not all men' comments is entirely missing the point, as many people have said it might not be all men who commit these acts, but it is all women who have experienced them. You may personally have no awareness this was happening, that doesn't make you innocent, ignorance is dangerous and to not realise these repeated events are happening is a position of privilege and ignorance. Listen to people, listen to anyone, it is so convenient to dismiss these horrific concepts, but that's how they permeate. I've never quite fit in with other men, I grew up with a very unconventional male as my father and many of my role models were and still are women, but I still lived in an incredibly toxic male society. I always felt lucky to be educated about these issues, my parents didn't shy away from approaching the fact that it is a man's responsibility to notice and change this behaviour. But I understand, like always, I could have done better, it is a positive opportunity for men to improve themselves, to reflect on the behaviour they see around them and to challenge and break it down. Toxic masculinity and misogyny doesn't benefit men, all it does is put women down, there is no point in preserving this image of men because it is one built on foundations of power and abuse. 

I just wanted to get some thoughts out about everything that is happening, I felt really sad about this conversation and I had to interrogate where that sadness came from. I think for a lot of people, it can be scary to admit fault, to stop and think about the behaviour you see around you and try and change it. I can't do much, I can't change the world and I can't persuade every man out there to reflect on their behaviour. But I can listen. I can examine my own behaviour, my own faults and consider where I may have treated women poorly, where I may have said something that wasn't well considered. I can listen. I can hopefully be more supportive to everyone I know, it isn't hard to be a supportive voice these days, a gentle reminder that you care will go a long way. I can hold other people accountable, call out the behaviour you see and don't let men get away with it, a passing comment that you laugh at can reaffirm someone's belief that they have the power over a woman and have the right to abuse them. 

It seems like change is coming, one of the most exhausting things about seeing these cries for change is that they have been loud for years, this isn't a new concept at all and the phrase "men need to be better" seems to have been ringing about for decades. All I can say is that we do need to better, we do need to keep reflecting on ourselves and we do need this change. Now isn't the time to fight your corner, you may be completely innocent, but you live in a society that allows this to happen, not speaking up and trying to change things is just plain irresponsible. I hope I've made myself clear, I am nowhere near an expert on this, in fact I basically have no real idea what I'm talking about and I really hope I've made some sort of clarity. I think one of my biggest aims in anything is to support other people, the connections we have with each other are so unbelievably sacred, especially right now. I want to always be someone people can rely on, a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen and I find it endlessly inspiring to see those able to talk and be open about what they've been through. 

Thanks for listening and thank you to everyone who's been that shoulder or that ear to me and I hope I can be the same for you.